“Cinque’s debut novel can only be summed up as earth-shattering.  Single fathers will be high-fiving
after reading this book.” Lamont Page, Publisher, Prevail Magazine (read excerpt)

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Got a question? Maybe a little Daddyluv can help. Sometimes a different perspective is good and here you can get sound advice from a father who is going through much of what most of you are dealing with today.  This is not legal advise and always consult an attorney but if you just want to talk, this is the forum to do so. We will all get through this together.

Send your questions to askdaddyluv@ilovemychildrentoo.org and check back to this section for common sense answers to sometimes difficult problems.

Hello,
I just found your site. It is great. I am not a father, I am a mother, who wrongfully lost custody of my two boys 13 years ago. I too am tired of how us non-custodial parents are treated. I have been treated like a every other weekend babysitter and not a mother! I have sat by and allowed
myself to be treated this way. And I am tired of it. I have been looking for support groups for women without custody, but have not been successful. Then I came up on your site. It is wonderful. I will save this to my favorites. Keep up the great work, speaking for us "screwed parents". We are parents too! Not just a stranger, babysitter or bank account. We love our children too!

Thank you,
Kimberly

Dear Epiphany Mom:

With your anger action should follow. Although nearly 85% of custodial parents are mothers there are those women who lose custody and those numbers will continue to grow as more and more fathers fight and win custody and lobby to change the existing laws that favor the custodial parent. Even if there is no support group nin your area you can start on on your own. You can also search fathers who are in your same situation. You are so right. We are parents but the system has rendered us strangers and ATM machines. Thanks for your support but now its time for you to get busy so your grandchildren will not go through this nightmare. I wish you well and offer support as much as possible.

Dear Daddyluv,

I am writing on behalf of my 48 year old brother that lives in New Jersey. He has a 19 yr. old son that will be 20 in November 2005. Currently he is still paying child support for this son, who is going to votech school for the culinary arts. He has been told that he must continue to pay (basically indefinitely). He has no relationship with this child except for continuing to pay the mother. The mother made it very difficult for them to ever see one another and since the teenage years the son just sees him as a $ sign. He has tried to find away to stop paying, but has been told he must continue... do you have any suggestions?

Concerned Sister in Florida

Dear Concerned Sister in Florida

His first step is to find out what the law is in his state pertaining to this issue. Some states do require fathers to pay if the child attends higher education and if the child is making passing grades. Do not simply let the mother tell him what the law is. As far as a relatioship with his son, there is not much he can do unless the son wants that relationship. Tell your brother to keep an open heart because one day his son will be in the same situation if the laws stay the way they are. It may require him to go to a local law library and look up the statute on this issue because every state is different. By the way, he should make sure the child is enrolled and he can find out by calling the school. If the child is not he should then immediatly seek a desist order in this case and pursue her for back support on the months past the last time he was in school. I wish him luck and remind him he is not going through this alone and he must continue to tell his story.

Dear Daddyluv

I was up late and just read your article on the internet. I don't agree with everything you say but I'm glad you're speaking up. Down low brothers should leave women alone. They know that they are in love with men - so why bother with women! They are deceiving countless thousands of women into believing that they are straight, when all along they have an ugly secret. I just read the Down low book (JK King)These men run from man to man. They are fooling themselves into believing that they like women because they so desperately want to be straight. I do sympathize with them because of the pressure the Black Community puts on gay people. Being cruel to gays has forced these men to act in a deceitful way which hurts us all. The Black community must become more accepting of alternative lifestyles.
Thanks.

Dear Sympathy Seeker:

I do not sympathize with anyone who destroys families, children and communities all because of selfishness. Twenty years ago I would agree the pressure of being a homosexual was immense but today, they can be who they want to be. I refuse to blame the black community for this down low phenomenon and its unacceptance of this debauchery. If these men want to be homosexuals then do so and stop ruining the image of black men, women and our culture. The only shame is the black community continues to accept any castoff life style rejected by the larger society. I say again "Down Low Homosexuals Leave Our Women Alone."

Dear Daddyluv

I'm a 36 yr. woman who thinks her husband may be a down-low brother. He has a friend that has provided him with a place to live rent free, lets him drive his car and they are together just about every day sometimes twice a day. We are separated and have 2 children together. He has made plans to be with his children but if this man calls he forgets all about them to go and be with this man. He has said that Charles does not want him to relocate from Winston-Salem even though he is not able to find a job here to support his children. He has also said that a down-low brother kicked in the door to Charles' house because of an ex-girlfriend of his but I'm not so sure he was not angry with Charles. Charles also did not file a police report against this man even though he knew who did it. I have called Charles' house and left a voice mail message cursing him out and accusing him of having sex with my husband and he has said nothing in reply to this. I don't know if I'm jumping to conclusions or if there is really something there. I have been searching the internet for as much info as I could find about this subject. Do you know a website that may give me some warning signs to look for?

Dear blind wife:

Open your eyes. I think you have already come to the conclusion this man has serious issues. There is really no way you can tell if some one is on the DL unfortunately but ones actions can certainly provide evidence of impropriety. First and foremost, stop having sex with him immediately because you could be at risk for HIV whether he is cheating with a man or woman. Whether it is Charles or Charlene your husbands actions should have you concerned. It may be time for you to come to the realization that the relationship is lost. Don't feel like you are the cause of his errant ways and for God sakes don't feel you are obligated to try and save him for you or his children. He has to do that for himself. Move on quickly for the sake of your children and your sanity.

Dear Daddyluv

My question is more philosophical in nature and I do not request a response to me, although you may feel free too respond if you like. The comment about single fathers giving a 'high five' after reading the advertised book is the inspiration for my time with you right now. I have no Idea what the book is about, yet I was triggered by the feeling that it was portraying child custody as a game to be won....how sad that would be for the children and for the parents male or female...no matter how righteous either parent thinks they are it seems that 'high fiving' as if watching a ball game is a degradation to psychological well being of the child (however subtle it may seem to you) and ultimately the human species on a whole. I hope for a time when people rise out of a need to compete ( as men often enjoy be it ball games, business, children etc..) and seek was is good for the greater good of the whole not just the egoic self. I am not suggesting you lack or are wrong in any way just letting you know how I felt as I came to your site seeking grant writing info Due to this ad I am not too likely to participate in your seminar, I thrive on supporting those who strive for a higher and evolved life and that is usually evident by the company we keep. I am sure you are a beautiful man and may you follow that path of which you are the greatest service to the peace and abundance of all beings everywhere.

Dear Book Cover judge

I like to respond to all mail sent to me. First of all, if your philosophy is to judge a book by its cover then you have accomplished your objective. I find it very peculiar that you would take a review and infer you know the contents of the book. By the way, when was the last time you spoke to a single father and asked him about the difficulties he faces when trying to see his children? Beyond this point I will not even address your other comments about the book simply because you have not read the book. Hopefully you will have the same courage to read the book as you did by making ridiculous comments about something you apparently know nothing about. I have grown weary of those who feign concern for our children yet when faced with the facts that there is a system that systematically destroys fathers under the guise of "the best interest of the child."
Your intent is clear in this email and unfortunately it is not unlike most women in today’s society. Your poor attempt to hide your true intent failed. This mail was never about grants but about your disdain for equally of fathers. Judging a book by its cover has never been a good practice which is the practice of fools.

Dear Daddyluv,
I am a 34 year adult , who was recently contacted by the father I never knew, long story short, he contacted me to alleviate his guilt and than ran again. Can I sue him for back child support he never paid my mother? Please help.
Thanks!

Dear DaddyLuv,
My father never came into my life until I was 15 years old, and I thought that by letting him into my life would be a great experience, but it turns out he's bad excuse for a father. I really hate saying that, but it is the truth. Now I'm in college and asked for some help well it always seems like he can't help me and I'm really getting tried of him not being there for me when I need him the most. So, my question is should I or can I sue him for back child support for the 15 years that he wasn't in my life? I really don't think he cares either way because he has other children who are more important to him and I am tired of grieving because he's not being the father to me that I want him to be.

Dear angry grudge holders:
Since both of these letters are concerning similar topics, I will address them together. I too grew up without a father, yet when I think back on what angered me the most was not the lack of financial support but the lack of mental support that any parent provides. He never got to see me walk across the stage, or receive any award during my teen years. I was a pretty good kid growing up and participated in numerous activities and received numerous awards. My father never got a chance to witness any of my youthful successes. He did provide a check which allowed me to travel an see the country. Often times my friends lived their summer vacations through me because I was always gone and returned with wonderful stories. I was 18 when I realized who was footing the bill and could not understand why he did not want to know me. When I lecture, I ask the questions, what is a father’s worth? Is it money? If that was the case wealthy children should never fall victim to drugs and crime because after all, their father’s money was there for them. What’s my point? Does money make life easier? Sometimes. Would your life have been enhanced with your fathers support? Yes. I daresay the anger you are feeling is not because of the money but because you did not have his love and you deserved it. Some states do allow children to go into court and recoup so called damages from parents but to what end. If you got a million dollars from your father today would it change your feelings about him? If he was able to provide for all your financial needs for the rest of your life would that change your feelings? I suspect not. You want his love and approval even in your adult life which is not unlike myself. You still have an opportunity to make it right with him. Don’t let anger control the possibility of having some form of relationship with your father. You see, as a young lad I too was angry and by the time the anger subsided, my father had passed away. Your anger will do more to destroy you than your fathers’ absence. Let it go and be resigned to fight for the rights of parents so your children will not grow up fatherless and angry. I hope you find peace and guidance in this response.

Dear Daddyluv,

I am a 34 year adult , who was recently contacted by the father I never knew, long story short, he contacted me to alleviate his guilt and than ran again.
Can I sue him for back child support he never paid my mother? Please help. Thanks!

As far as suing your father for back child support, you may want to contact a local attorney for the statutes in your state.. Statutes of limitations my apply and other legalities. I read into your question more of a revenge factor as opposed to making him own up to lost responsibility, with the emphasis on lost. I dare say if you had the money your life would have still been empty without his presence and therein lays the dilema. Fathers are more than pay checks and your concern with money may be blinding you to the more substantial absence in your life i.e. his love his approval. This may be a good time to re-evaluate what a fathers means to you and take an opportunity to get to know him and not his wallet.

Dear Daddyluv:

I have been married for ten years and have always been a loyal and dedicated husband and father. Today my wife came home and told me she did not love me anymore and was having an affair.  We have two children and I don’t want to divorce but she seems set on it.  What should I do?

Sincerely,

Dad in Pain

Dear Dad in Pain:

Wake the hell up.  I empathize with your predicament but if you don’t pull it together not only will your heart be broken but your children will be gone and you may be stuck with all the bills.  Get you an attorney now! You don’t even have to tell your spouse but began preparing for the worst.  Try and find out if she is amiable to family counseling because both of you have an obligation to those children to do right by them. If you feel you can handle the responsibility you should fight for custody even if your attorney attempts to dissuade you.  Unless you left something out of your letter, you are the victim in this matter and you should not hesitate to stand for your rights and your children. Hopefully the courts will not award her infidelity.

Dear Daddyluv:

I recently became a grandmother because of my irresponsible 15 year old.  The mother is 21 and is currently suing my underage son for child support.  He states the woman seduced him and said she wanted to have his baby.  I certainly believe he must own up to his responsibility even at his age but do I have any legal recourse relating what I am sure was statutory rape. I contacted the local district attorney but they refused to pursue her.  Would this be different had my son been the older of the two?

Sincerely,

Angry Grandma

Dear Grandma:

First and foremost, do whatever you can to ensure the young father gets as much access to the child now as possible.  The bonding process for fathers with their newborns takes place during the critical stages of infancy as opposed to mothers where the process begins early on in the womb.  Mothers often make the mistake of excluding fathers at this very critical stage which in my opinion is the beginning of the father’s detachment to his child.  Seduction or not, he is old enough to know about safe sex and if he does not then you are partly to blame.  Either way, you should check your state laws as it relates to statutory rape and if you feel he was duped into sexual activity as a minor by the adult woman then you should pursue her legally if not in criminal court but in civil.  I would think it is the local district attorney’s job to apply the law and protect children from adult predators even if they are women. Be aware that you could negatively affect the child in the long term and at this point that should be your primary concern.  I agree there is a double standard in this country when it comes to sex with juveniles.  Men go to jail, women get a free pass.  Remember Mary Kay Letorneau?  The best interest of your new grand child should be paramount to any hurt feelings you may be harboring.

Dear Daddyluv:

I have a 10 year son who is having some adjustment problems in school.  He recently told me that he wanted to be with his father.  The father states he wants him but I would have to put it in writing and send the child support back to him.  I have grown accustomed to the monthly check and can not afford to send the money nor do I think I need to. If he truly loved his son then he would take him anyway.  What should I do?

Sincerely,

Confused mom

Dear Confused mom:

If you are near a wall go bang your head against it. Now do you feel better and did that knock some sense into it?  Your child is having problems and the father has agreed to take the child and I do not blame him for wanting something in writing and the child support back.  If I were he, I would demand that you not only send it back but you also send money to support the child.  Child support is for the child not for you to go out and party, and get your nails done like many women do.  The biggest complaint of fathers who pay support is there is no accountability of where their child support actually goes. You have a lot of nerve not wanting to support your child but I have no doubt you have him tied up in court and that may be why he does not trust you and wants something in writing.  Based on what I am reading, I don’t blame him. You need to stop tripping and do the right thing.  If the child is hurting and the father can be a positive influence, what’s the problem?  You are! By the way how is your headache?

Dear Daddyluv:

I am a single black male with two children. I pay child support on a regular basis yet my significant other plays The Shell Game with my children when it is time to pick them up for my visitation.  I have had enough of her games. I need help!

Sincerely,

Daddy Fed up

Dear Fed up: 

If you are truly fed up then you need to take that deadbeat mother back to court and get court ordered visitation or file for full custody. If she violates the court order have her brought up on contempt charges.  What do you think will happen to you if you miss child support payments?  Your dilemma is probably the number one complaint I get from fathers but they refuse to use the law to assist them. Quite often they get fed up and go and beat up the mother then you are really in hot water with no access at all.  Don’t be foolish and use the law to your advantage. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.  If she sees the inside of a jail cell a few times, she will wake up.

Dear Daddyluv:

The mother of my child recently had a restraining order filed against me out of spite. I never touched her but she said she wanted to get back at me because I recently found a new love.  She calls me all the time to pick her up and transport the baby to different places.  I am concerned that she is using me and only wants to break up my new relationship. Can you give me some advice on how to handle this situation?

Sincerely,

3 Strikes

Dear 3 Strikes:

If you have a restraining order against you and you are not honoring it, then be prepared to spend a little time in the pokey. All she has to do is make one phone call and you’ll be in front of a judge which is something you do not want. If your services are so important for her to function then she should go back to court and have the order rescinded as soon as possible.  Until that happens, if I were you, I would follow the restraining order to the letter and if it hinders you from access to your child, then you can also have that remedied in court as well.  Whatever you do, don’t violate the court order and make sure the reasons behind her getting the order have no merit.  In other words keep your hands to your self! 

Send your questions to askdaddyluv@ilovemychildrentoo.org and check back to this section for common sense answers to sometimes difficult problems.